Free to Be Your Very Best

by Linda Formichelli

Would you take fashion advice from a 12-year-old? Would you pattern your eating habits after a temperamental toddler? Would you let a virtual stranger dictate your career path? No? The fact is, you’re probably doing all of the above every day.

Case in point: When I was 12, my best friend made fun of my “high forehead” and got others to do the same. Believing these bullies’ jeers, I hid my face behind straight, thick bangs for decades. Whenever someone suggested I grow out my bangs, I’d say, “I can’t--I have a high forehead.” Then, in my mid-thirties, sick of having to trim my bangs every two weeks (and of never getting them right), I went to my hairdresser and told her, “That’s it--the bangs have to go.” She gave me a funky short cut with all the hair pushed off my face--and I’ve never gotten more compliments. I wish I had stopped obeying the bangs rule I created because of those cruel kids years ago (and I also wish I could track them down and send them a photo of my adorable ‘do).

We all live by “rules” that were established, by ourselves or by others, when we were younger but that no longer serve us. Maybe a college buddy said that you looked awful in pink, and you’ve avoided the color ever since. Or you took it to heart when a high school English teacher said you’d never be a writer. Or maybe vegetables made you gag when you were five, so you go through life telling yourself and everyone else that you hate vegetables--even though you haven’t tried one since Mom forced you to finish that plate of broccoli thirty years ago. These rules define what you do, eat and wear, and you--as a smart, rational adult--did not write them.

“Women are much more susceptible to the messages that we get,” says Rebecca (Kiki) Weingarten, MScEd, a life coach in Brooklyn, N.Y. “Our brains work that way. We pay attention to what people tell us and take it to heart.”

We’re most likely to let others write our rules when we feel vulnerable or when our self esteem is at a low point, says Leslie Levine, author of Ice Cream for Breakfast: If You Follow All The Rules, You Miss Half the Fun (McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books). We’re especially vulnerable during a bad relationship, after being let go from a job--and virtually the entire time between the ages of 12 and 21.

“But I’m comfortable the way things are,” you may be saying. “What does it matter if I avoid veggies and pink? Why rock the boat?”

You need to rock the boat because if you don’t, you may be stuck in the same old waters forever. “Rules put fear into us and prevent us from thinking creatively, and that’s not how we grow,” says Levine. “When you break or bend the rules, it gives you a fresh perspective and shakes things up. It forces you to see life through a different lens--and that’s how you grow.”

Levine is right. Since my hairdo epiphany, I’ve smashed several rules and grown as a result. The couch potato who was always chosen last to be on the kickball team is now a brown belt in karate. The picky woman who wouldn’t let a veggie pass her lips because she hated them as a kid is now an adventurous eater who will try anything someone plunks down in front of her. (Who would ever have thought that I’d love butternut squash-leek soup?) The woman who always let people walk all over her ditched a friend who specialized in backhanded compliments. These changes have made me a healthier, happier, more courageous person.

Are you ready to ferret out the rules that keep you from living your life to the fullest and shatter them to pieces? I spoke with several rule-breaking women to find out how they did it--and how you can, too.

Who Writes Your Rules?

You like to think that you’re in charge, but sometimes it’s everyone else but you who’s dictating what you do, say, wear, and eat.

• Family members. As we grow up, our families slap labels on us faster than a supermarket price gun operator: The pretty one, the smart one, the athletic one, the helpful one. And those labels stick with us, even when they no longer depict who we really are. “Sometimes the role you played in your family you take with you into the world,” says Weingarten. “If you were, say, the one who did everything for everyone, you probably do the same around the office.” For example, Jennifer Lawler, 39, of Lawrence, KS, was labeled “the practical one,” so instead of pursuing her dream of becoming a writer, she took a job in an insurance office--a rational move that her family applauded but that left her cold.
• Friends. Our school buddies, the other moms in our children’s playgroup, that officemate we’ve become chummy with--they write our rules, often without even knowing it. If a buddy says that capris make your butt look big, in all probability you’ll deep-six that style--no matter how comfortable they are. If another mom says that your child is too loud, you may get into the habit of shushing him in public--even if you thought he was just acting like a typical five-year-old.
• Former classmates. The classmates who write your rules are the ones who made your life miserable because you lacked the right name on your designer jeans, who made you feel uncool because you refused to smoke, who always fought over who would have to take you on their softball team in gym. If you started smoking to look sophisticated (and still haven’t stopped, 20 years later), avoid active hobbies, or take pains to wear the right brands (though today it’s more likely to be Liz Claiborne than Jordache)--then these young bullies are still writing your rules for you.
• Teachers. When we’re kids, teachers seem all-knowing. If you got a D in biology and the science teacher said that you’d never learn a vein from a capillary, you probably didn’t become a doctor--even if that was your dream. “Sometimes you become afraid to try something because you don’t want to keep hearing that you’re bad at it,” says Weingarten.
• Coworkers and Boss. You spend a lot of time at work, the tasks can be energy-draining, and your ego is often on the line--creating the perfect environment for someone else to convince you that you’re not capable of writing your own rules. If that officemate makes an offhand comment about how your last presentation could have been better, for example, you may decide that you’re no good at public speaking and avoid it whenever possible.
• Books. Self-help books can help--or they can hurt. Take Debbie Abrams Kaplan, 35, of Foster City, CA. She almost lost her chance at true love by taking to heart the rules from The Rules, a controversial book about how to attract a mate. She met a great guy named Mark at a party, but he didn’t ask for her number. As the party organizer, Debbie could have gotten his number and called him--but she held off because The Rules insist that a woman should never call a man first. Finally, she broke that rule and called Mark; they’re now married with two kids. (And one of the authors of The Rules is now divorced.)
• Your younger self. Why do you always put the same shoe on first? Probably because that’s the way you learned to do it when you were little. Why are you afraid of bugs, and why do you rely on your husband to dispatch them? Maybe it’s because you were frightened by one when you were a kid, even though you now know that they’re harmless.

Learning Your Laws

Recognizing that we live by certain unspoken rules is easy. Ferreting out our own rules so that we can break them? Not so much.

Flying high after breaking my decades-old hair rule, I scanned every part of my life to determine where my rules were hiding out. You can do the same by considering each of these life areas and compiling the rules you discover into a written list:

• Your looks. Do you wear your hair in a certain way even though you crave a new ‘do, avoid certain colors, or dress in a style that suits someone else more than it suits you? Do you dress or apply makeup to camouflage a body part that your schoolmates or siblings made fun of way back when? Do you feel naked if you step out to get the mail without a full face of makeup?
• Your family. Have you been slotted into a particular role in your family, such as the peacemaker who always settles arguments or the yes-woman who stands behind her family members no matter how wrong they may be? If so, do you take on this role because you enjoy it, or because it’s what you’re used to doing—and what your family expects of you?
• Your diet. Do you feel that you can’t start the day without a cup of java? Do you follow nutrition rules from a diet book that was written years ago? Do you say you can’t stand spinach because you hated it when you were a wee one, or because your parents forced you to eat it, or because someone you admired hated it? Have you even tried spinach in the last several years, and if not, can you broaden your horizons by doing so (perhaps by ordering the pasta Florentine at your favorite Italian restaurant)?
• Your friends. As with your family, your friends may have you boxed into a certain role, such as the one who can be counted on to drop everything to solve their problems. On a slightly different angle, you may have people who you call friends out of habit, but who no longer serve that purpose. For example, Levine had a friend who she visited regularly, only to come away feeling awful every time because all the friend did was brag, brag, brag. Levine was hanging on to this person only because it’s what she was used to doing.
• Your job. Did you start a certain career because your family expected it of you and not because it interested you? Do you play a certain role at work, such as the person to call when the copy machine breaks down or the employee who will take on any work coworkers want to pile on her plate or the employee who’s always five minutes late to meetings?
• Your habits. Do you always cover your mouth with your hand when you laugh because someone once mentioned that you have an obnoxious laugh? Do you keep your hands in check because your mother said that you gesture too much while talking? Do you smoke because your classmates thought it was cool (twenty years ago)?
• Your hobbies. Do you avoid painting because your art teacher said that you couldn’t draw a straight line? Do you follow NASCAR because your husband or kids are interested, even though it bores you to tears? Are you afraid to try an active hobby like tennis or tap dancing because you were a poor athlete as a child?

Making the Break

Now that you have a list of rules, it’s time to take them apart and rebuild your life the way you want it to be. Here are some ways to become a rule-breaker extraordinaire.

Take Baby Steps
After earning a D in Algebra in high school, Amy Crane, 42, of Erie, PA, knew that math just wasn’t her thing. “I remember not getting it...the different equations, the x and the y,” she says. Then, in 1997, she decided to confront her math bugaboo and learn how to invest her money. Crane joined an e-mail group for investors, then began doing calculations by hand, then bought some software to help her. She doubled her money with the second stock she bought and now writes a column called “Mutual Fund Matters” for Better Investing Magazine. “I feel great!” she says. “I feel empowered in other areas of my life and I really believe that there isn’t much I couldn’t do if I really set my mind to it.”

Like Crane, you can take small steps towards your goal. “Try to incorporate in your life some positive elements of the life you’d like to have,” says Weingarten. If, for instance, you want to change the personal style you’ve had since college (good-bye, shoulder pads!), start by clipping photos of outfits you like from fashion magazines. Then visit stores and enlist the help of a personal shopper. Finally, buy a couple of new items and see how it feels when you wear them.

Break It Big
Melyssa St. Michael’s high school classmates harassed her so much for being overweight that she dropped out and got her GED instead. Believing the words of her cruel classmates, Melyssa thought she would never be slim.

Hoping to shed some pounds, Melyssa joined a local gym--and the owners liked her so much that they hired her. Eventually, other clients asked if she would train them. Melyssa did more than pare a few pounds and show up looking svelte at her high school reunion; today, Melyssa is a successful fitness model and personal trainer. She broke her rule big.

To shatter your rules--and feel a real rush while doing so--do the exact opposite of what people expect of you (and what you expect of yourself). If your brother mocked your attempts at cooking and you and your family now rely on take-out Chinese and pizza delivery, vow to show your sib a thing or two by becoming the best cook on the block. If you were bitten by a dog while young and still cower whenever friends bring Fido over--and hate yourself for it--volunteer at a local animal shelter.

Eat Dessert First
When you break a rule, you take a risk. If, for example, you decide that you don’t want to be the family mediator anymore, you risk a negative reaction from your spouse and kids. If you break your long-hair rule, you risk having someone whose opinion you care about say, “I liked your hair better when it was long.”

Warm up your rule-breaking engine by smashing rules that don’t have dire consequences. Eat ice cream for breakfast. Take the scenic route home from work instead of rushing home on the expressway. Wear white after Labor Day. Take your kids to the movies at 2 pm on a Sunday instead of 7 pm on a weekend. “It’s a little outside of your normal routine, and boy does that shake things up,” says Levine.

As you gain confidence, start violating rules that have a bigger impact. Lawler, whose family labeled her “the practical one,” surprised everyone who knew her by signing up for tae kwon do lessons. Soon she was breaking boards--and breaking even more rules, such as jumping from her dull insurance office job to her dream career as a writer. “I realized that I am not a practical person,” she says. “I was going to be unhappy all my life if I kept trying to be practical. So I started writing books and magazine articles, and now I make a good living as a writer.” Lawler has now written more then twenty books, including Dojo Wisdom: 100 Simple Ways to Become a Stronger, Calmer, More Courageous Person (Penguin USA).

Picture It
An image journal is a visual reminder of who you are now and who you want to be. For example, if you grew up as “the klutzy one” and want to break that rule, “Cut a picture of how you see yourself out of a magazine--it may be a cartoon of a couch potato,” says Weingarten. “Then add a picture of what you see yourself as in the future—maybe a photo of someone running on a country road.” Look at the journal whenever you feel your motivation flag.

Look at Your Beautiful Toes
Negative self-talk--such as “I’ll never get on that volleyball team” or “My friends will make fun of me if I wear this sweater"--can keep us from breaking the rules that limit us. Instead, try giving yourself pep talks. When you’re breaking a rule, say, “You go, girl! I know you can do it.”

And don’t forget to brag. Instead of seeking approval from others every time you make a change, turn it into something to toot your horn about. When Levine’s young daughter painted her toenails an unusual color, she didn’t say, “Do you think this color is too bright?” or “Hmm, what do you think of this?” No--she said, “Look at my beautiful toes!”